I’m back!!!! I know it’s been a few months since you’ve last heard from me. I had to reset and now, I’m ready to reemerge again.

As life is full of constant changes and occurrences, it is only natural that in parallel, many things have changed and occurred since my last newsletter. During the tail end of the month of April, I attended and presented (as a panelist speaker) at my very first regional conference in California (as expected and predicted) which felt so gratifying. I went into that environment with lots of preparation and anxiety but upon entering the space I was in, all of my nerves completely went away as I was surrounded with like-minded individuals who were equally very affirming. This was definitely a nod to being in alignment with my purpose and living through an “in-flow” moment! Once I came back from this trip, I also got mentally ready for my first research poster presentation, at which I was exuding nothing but confidence! I was moving with so much conviction and assurance. Listen you couldn't tell me anything! Okay!! Absolutely nothing! I was on cloud 9! Are you kidding me?! What a treat it was to advocate for community-engaged research. I live for this…this was a 10/10 experience!

Unfortunately, that feeling changed in the following weeks when in the midst of wrapping up my final weeks of my first year in my doctoral program, I also had to navigate a situation where I had to do what was right and take my power back. I thought this part of the story would end here but unbeknownst to me, this was really a foreshadowing of yet another hurdle I would have to overcome in this program. This time, the next hurdle to come would solidify what patterns and behaviors I am no longer tolerating and what new storyline I am imprinting for myself—a journey which I have been on for a while. If you’re a tea drinker like myself, grab yourself a cup of tea because I’ll come back to this later!

Anywho, in between all of these school related occurrences, personal life was obviously taking shape as well…duhh! From celebrating Mother’s day in a very chic manner (as always) to making sure I was present for my youngest sister’s prom send-off to eventually attending her high school graduation and to celebrating my mom’s birthday (on July 4th) with my sisters, my heart is full of joy and love. My heart is so full of joy and love that collecting my thoughts for this piece is a bit hard because there’s so much I want to convey and yet few words I can put together to eloquently express the lessons and moments I have received in these past couple of months.

I hope I haven’t lost you yet. I’m getting back to the essence of this story. I promise! Okay let’s get to what I said I’ll come back to. Before I do though, I guess the biggest takeaway I want to leave you with is the importance of standing in your power and once you feel like that has slipped away, at any moment, you can always take it back.

For the longest time, how I have shown up was in a way shaped through the lens of others so subconsciously, this was bound to happen even in an academic setting and that’s exactly what was starting to happen. I felt like to be liked and to not rock the status quo at my school, I had to blend in. I had to follow what others had to say. But guess what?! I just got to the point where I could no longer do that. I could no longer blend in. I was freaking fed up!! I wanted to be myself. Someone who is unbashful. Someone who wants to think for herself. Someone who wants to learn. Someone who wants to be given the space to make mistakes. Someone who wants to live her life to the fullest. Someone who understands that school is not her entire identity. I wanted to be myself!! The sheer frustration of not being able to show up as ME was becoming burdensome. I felt no different than a person with a noose tied around her neck who is then dragged to keep going even when I wanted to rest. I mean I said I wanted rest but how come that was not being honored? This rest was deeper than what I could fathom. Upon reflecting, I am realizing that yes I wanted rest…in the general sense of “rest”. But, I also wanted rest well in the form of reprieve—reprieve from toxicity, reprieve from having others think for me, reprieve from the stereotypical PhD experience (e.g. finishing a program is all about grit and tenacity; during these four years you'll have no life; immense pressure; etc). I wanted out from this horrible narrative.

To gain that rest, autonomy, and exit that toxic narrative, I did what I knew I could do best. Write. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote until I was heard. There’s this quote that is posted up on my vision board (since 2017) which states, “Ten years from now, make sure you can say you chose your life. You didn't settle for it.” This quote has been ringing louder and I am happy it has because it is the perfect reminder. I AM choosing my life and in doing so, it means that at any moment when I feel like I’m losing grip on what truly matters to me, among which my well-being and respect is at the top, then it is up to me to reset and course-correct. And this message extends to every other dimension of life (e.g. personal relationship with self, family, friends, etc). Some of us (including me), are often so afraid to speak up and be ourselves. We are more worried about ‘what if this person stops being my friend’, ‘what if my boss doesn’t like what I have to say’, ‘what if this path isn’t for me anymore’, ‘what if my partner resents me’…too many “what ifs”. But in all of this [narrative], where are YOU in this story you are choosing for yourself?! Where are you in the life YOU want to experience?! When I ask myself that, I quickly get up, take my power back and course-correct. No more blending in to fit in. No more worrying about the '“what ifs”. I am me. I was born to stand out and I love how that sounds.

It feels good to be back.

Until next time, I leave you with the thought below:

(1) Are there any current areas in your life calling you to take your power back? If so, what are some concrete things you can do to begin this process?

Write it down or say it to yourself.

Resources:

• Words of Wisdom: Alex Pang on the importance of rest

• The Art of Rest: How to Let Your Body and Mind Heal 

• Thriving, and not simply surviving, during your PhD