I'm happy to announce that I've been able to reconnect with myself, and I want to thank my ancestors and, most importantly, myself for making that commitment. Imagine if our LinkedIn or social media posts looked like this! Weird, right? Or maybe you're thinking, wait a minute…YES! If you're in the yes category, I'm right there with you.

Now, don’t get me wrong—I love sharing accomplishments and celebrating others', too. But wouldn't it be nice to also see how we're taking time for ourselves? How are we choosing to reconnect with ourselves?

As each day unravels, so does a ricochet of events that occur—some outside of your control. I've been realizing that's part of life. We don’t often acknowledge it out loud. You've seen me say that change is constant—things are always bound to happen. That’s the beauty of being alive. But with change, when do we find time to process? That’s what I'm getting at.

Recently, I've needed time to process. I felt guilty about not sticking to a monthly newsletter, but where is this guilt coming from? From me or is it from worrying about perceptions? Regardless of the answer, what I know to be true is that I want this space to be real, alive, truthful, messy, beautiful…I want it to be human.

For example, there are things I've been processing. Some are cyclical, some new. My baby sister is now a freshman at Virginia Tech, so I guess my dad’s an empty nester now (lol). I’m struggling with how much we’ve all grown—especially the youngest.

It's ironic; as her oldest sister, she looks up to me, but I look up to her too.

I remember the day she FaceTimed to tell me our mom isn’t waking up—Sunday, September 12, 2021. I remember seeing the sheer shock on her face and then seeing my mom not moving. The numbness from that traumatic experience. I remember how two weeks later from that day, she received a letter from her high school regarding her absences—risking unenrollment. The heaviness of this time period. I remember her going back to school and still doing her homework as best as she can.

I don’t think any of us then could even picture how our lives would turn out but I am so so so so so PROUD of my sister. It takes guts to show up everyday. She has to do things that at her age, I’m not so sure I would have had the grace and resilience to handle as well as she has. So yes, I look up to her. She keeps me grounded and I cannot wait to continue watching her evolve.

I've also been processing turning 30 in August and starting my second year of my PhD program. How is time flying by so fast? It's crazy. I received many surprises for my birthday—from a spa day to a picnic ❤️, even my peers from my program and friends from VCU surprised me. I actually showed up early for once, and the stares from everyone gave it away—such a sweet moment! Then there was a part two celebration with my girls' tribe and my sister (the middle sister) who made sure I felt and looked amazing throughout. My heart was so full! As much it has been overwhelming for me in a good way, I am definitely learning to enjoy being on the receiving end of love from those around me.

Other things I’m learning to do is being more intentional about creating the time to step back and enjoy my journey. Funny enough, this year’s intensity level has increased, yet I am carving out more time to decompress. Whether that means going on a solo date-night at a theater to watch a movie that I really want to see, going to a nearby park to get my work done, or spending time with loved ones (including my dog, of course), I am finding myself being able to do more things that fill my cup while still showing up in school. My word for this year is balance!

While cyclical, I’ve also been processing the physical absence of our mom. It’s officially 3 years now, and some days feel like it’s been a decade while other days feel like it happened yesterday.

They say the stages of grief is not linear and wow is that true. This year, I’ve been experiencing a lot of anger—mainly about how my sisters and I often find ourselves accommodating other people’s reactions to our pain rather than our own. It’s been quite an interesting observation to say the least. It’s like wait really? You mean to tell me my grief is overwhelming you?!

One of my biggest frustration has been how western society treats grief, as if you’re “grieving” too much or “showing it” too much, or “talking about it” too much, it’s some type of disorder. I think each of my sisters have received our share of statements that left us pretty out of breath. One statement that someone suggested to me that I’ve had to process was whether I think medication would be something that would help me cope. And to this I’ve thought cope from what exactly? The other classic line is “don’t cry, you have to be strong”. Huh? We are so grief phobic; it’s quite sad.

Honestly, if it wasn't for me already leaning towards my current topic for my dissertation, I would have done a research proposal on grief. Specifically, examining our current communication surrounding grief and its impact on those experiencing loss.

There’s a quote I saved from a grief support instagram page my sister shared: “Grief is not meant to stay caged inside of us, no matter what anyone else might tell you. Write what hurts. Paint what hurts. Sing what hurts. Speak what hurts. But please don’t hold it inside your body. What we are unable to release eventually consumes us”.

With this in mind, I refuse to let society make me feel like I need to hide my emotions. Considering the fact that my mom is my best friend, I will always think of her.

With love,

Farnese

Until next time, I leave you with the thought below:

(1) Are you taking the time to reconnect with yourself? If so, what does this look like for you?

Write it down or say it to yourself.

Resources:

• 7 ways to reconnect with yourself

• Oppression of the Bereaved: A Critical Analysis of Grief in Western Society

•  Daring Greatly: Why Vulnerability is Your Greatest Strength, Dr. Brené Brown

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